ADHD and the Rejection Sensitivity Paradox
Who is really rejecting you?
I’ve been following the beautiful Liz Gilbert and doing her Letters from Love practice every day for a while now. If you haven’t heard about it, I suggest you take a few moments to check out her Substack. It’s pure genius.
There is so much I love about Liz- my Lizlette- (inside joke, you need to listen to her videos to get that one) and this practice. It’s a mystical ritual in listening to your Higher Self, or to LOVE or whatever you want to call it. I’m not going to use the G word!
It’s been transformative for me because I’ve not been great at listening to myself at all. Well, let me rephrase this. I’ve been superb at listening to certain parts of myself. I can hear the inner critic with absolute clarity. And I’m fabulous at tuning into the fearful and anxious voices.
But as for the voice of love and compassion? I’ve been rubbish at that.
So today, when I was writing my letter from Love, I had a big epiphany.
I found myself getting unexpectedly angry with Love.
I’d had a particularly beautiful meditation beforehand, caught glimpses of Love, and felt peaceful and calm. So when I started writing my letter from Love, I was surprised to find myself feeling angry. I felt heartbroken for all the time I’d spent searching for Love but unable to find it.
If Love truly exists, why did it not make itself known in my darkest hours? I remembered the precise time I rejected it because, in my mind, it had let me down big time, if it even existed.
I was angry and sad when I remembered all the anxiety, fear, and exhaustion from trying to keep myself and three children afloat for so many years. I couldn’t see a way forward; I felt not good enough, unsafe and I could not see how things could work out in the future.
And then the epiphany. For me, the ADHD rejection sensitivity was not just about being rejected by other people. It’s been much more about rejecting Love and myself first.
***Light bulb moment***
ADHD resulted in making lots of mistakes and being in constant trouble as a child. I did tons of things that I’m not proud of, and because of this, I rejected myself at a very deep level at a very young age. I learned early on that I was ‘too much,’ ‘brain-damaged,’ and an abomination to God. Oops, the G word. I was explicitly told that I was not fit to be with other human beings. When I got those very clear messages as a child, I rejected myself.
And when I rejected myself, I rejected Love in all its guises, human and cosmic. I decided I was unlovable, which meant deciding others could not love me either.
I honed my skills at closing my heart. But here’s the kicker… All this time, I thought I was being rejected rather than doing the rejecting. As I filtered for evidence of being rejected to support those core feelings of unworthiness, I never acknowledged the ways that I refused to let Love in.
So, in my letter from Love today, I received instructions about changing these patterns.
Love said to me: “To see, hear and feel me, follow these steps.”
Refrain from doing the things that obscure my voice. Instead, keep meditating and listening out for Love. My voice is constant; it is the listening that is not. Make meditation non-negotiable.
I will whisper to you through the prana of every in-breath and carry away everything you no longer need with each out-breath. This is the path of self-compassion. Simple.
Allow others to see and love you.
Choose forgiveness. No platitudes or rationale are needed for why you deserve forgiveness. It’s sink or swim. Choose swimming.
Self-sabotage is the opposite of cherishing. I cherish you; cherish yourself, too.
And that is all.
I’d love to hear your reflections on rejection sensitivity!