How my ADHD Mind Divorced my Heart and Took Custody of my Body

And how we are reconciling

I think I was about 12 or 13 when my mind split from my body, although I was probably more like 6 when I remember it happening for the first time. That’s the earliest visceral trauma I still have flashbacks from. With each trauma, drama, or rejection, the divide grew greater. Anger, hurt, and fear formed a shield of armour that separated my body from my mind and defended my heart.

The feeling of clenched fists and a resolution to hate so much that nobody could hurt is still a vivid memory. I trapped the rage inside me and tried to wall it off. However, it had a life of its own, and I couldn't contain it. It began its own journey.

I rejected others, but mostly rejected my self and especially hated the body part of me. Fear of rejection and pain woke up my inner control freak and my mind took over. It made unilateral decisions about everything. It refused to consult my body about even basic needs and blatantly ignored any signals, screams, and symptoms.

I stopped listening to my body and what it needed. I sabotaged and punished it in a myriad of ways. My mind did not allow my body to have a vote in even the tiniest decisions, except the times when I pushed it to the limits and it got sick and collapsed.

Everything I ate, how much I slept or exercised, and the situations I got myself into were all determined by my mind. The feedback systems malfunctioned, birthing attachments and addictions.

Numbing out in any way I could was the main safety mechanism to prevent any unsolicited messages from my body, or worse, my heart. The voice I used to talk to my body and the things I said were not very nice.

No surprise here, but this didn’t go so well and life fell apart. It wasn’t until I started Yoga that the reconciliation began. Yoga actually means union, and I needed it to help me heal from the ravages of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

I’m learning to listen to all the parts of myself now. I’m listening to my heart, my body, my intuition and Spirit. Pain and discomfort are useful information and help me course correct. Reconciliation starts with acknowledgment of wrongs done and ends with better choices. Forgiveness happens along the road. It’s a work in progress, but I’m on the journey home.

Healing is hard work because it requires being in the present moment, and my ADHD mind wants to live in the future and default to controlling. Staying present to what my body needs requires setting aside time for practices from Ayurveda and Yoga, and meditation, journalling and body scanning.

Rejection sensitivity coupled with emotional dysregulation plays out in so many destructive ways. You can see it overtly in younger kids with ADHD, but I believe it’s often internalized in adults. If you relate to this, give yourself grace and time and, most of all, lots of love. I see you and I’m sending love too.

Please leave a comment if this resonates!