Radical Acceptance as an Antidote to Shame in ADHD
Being OK with what is
It’s fascinating that both high vata and ADHD are often unseen and unacknowledged, especially in women. You can’t see the wood for the trees until you slow down and look carefully.
High vata rarely shows itself fully in the generic dosha quizzes. And like the wind, it’s often invisible until it reaches gale-force, when it leaves a visible trail of chaos and destruction in its wake.
In my clinical practice, I notice the symptoms of ADHD appear increasingly more severe with each successive generation. These days, it’s common for parents and grandparents to be diagnosed with ADHD later in life after a child in the family gets diagnosed. They realize the apple has not fallen so far from the tree.
When vata wreaks havoc, it’s easy to feel out-of-control, bad, crazy or lazy. As emotional dysregulation escalates, despair and feelings of worthlessness take root. Anxiety fuels the downward spiral and shame glues it all in place.
It is impossible to break free from unwanted behaviour if you’re crippled with shame.
Shame erodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.
Brene Brown
Shame stops us from seeing how to make changes by closing the mind to possibilities.
Shame is hungry. It feeds on secrecy, humiliation, perfectionism, silence, and harsh judgments. It requires a hostile and toxic environment to survive and thrive.
The inner world becomes hostile in the presence of our own negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours or being around noxious people.
Cleaning up the inner environment is crucial to releasing shame and revealing the truth of who we truly are.
Internal cleanup is a lifelong process that we each get to approach in our own unique ways.
Here are a few things that help me:
Spend time with positive, loving people who validate me and accept me as I am.
Curating people to share deeply with. Connection and vulnerability are healing- but only with the right people.
Top tip from Muffin: Friends come in all different shapes and sizes, stay open to unexpected possibilities! She loves her cat friend!
Don’t share your most vulnerable stories with unsafe people. This might mean leaving a relationship or finding new friends. I’ve found some really special friends through AWE, a local women’s group in Victoria. Check out what’s available near you.
Spend time in nature. Last weekend, I went hiking with the Vancouver Outdoor Club scrambling over Diez Vistas and Lake Buntzen Loop. I enjoyed gorgeous views from the summit with an inspiring group of women. I finished the 7-hour hike on such a high :)
Muffin was the star of the show, of course - although I’m *maybe* a little biased!
Avoid perfectionism. Practice radical acceptance and forgiveness. This means accepting the reality of your situation without judgment or self-criticism. It means being in the present moment, instead of dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future.
Radical acceptance, focusses on acknowledging difficult situations and emotions without judgment, rather than wishing things were different. Learning to accept things reduces how long we have to suffer for.
Moving my body in ways that bring in fresh perspectives and open my mind to new ways of being. For me, it’s best in nature, with the people (and dogs) I love.
In summary:
Be in the present moment.
Move your body in healing ways, preferably in nature.
Switch perfectionism for acceptance of how things are.
Do the things you love with the people who bring you peace and joy.
Be careful who you share with. Find people you can trust to confide in.
And Muffin wants the last bark - spend time with a beloved four-legged friend.
There, you will see a reflection of your authentic Self, perfectly fine exactly the way you are now.