Wired for Meaningful Connection & Acceptance

But scared to share what's really going on inside

This is part two of my post called Rejection Sensitivity - Running into a wall of indifference. The first post is about naming what happens, this one is a deeper dive into the impact that RSD has.

This is a description of what I’ve experienced and seen in so many friends and clients with ADHD. And here’s how it goes.

Something painful happens. You immediately create a narrative or two around what’s happened. You loop and loop the story in your head. Pain intensifies and you spiral out-of-control when the pain becomes unbearable. You have to find something to numb or distract.

Shame partners with the pain at every part of this process. Shame for being or wanting too much. Shame for feeling out-of-control. And most of all, shame for being weird or different. And shame wants to be hidden.

But healing comes from embracing your quirks and sensitivities, not hiding or fighting them. The more you can name, see and validate your needs, and own your vulnerability, the less old patterns can be the boss of your life.

This presents a problem if processing feelings is like trying to dance on a tightrope with lead shoes. When vulnerability hits, the urge is to fix things or seek comfort. To avoid rejection, numb or distract. To escape, run when things get too hard.

This can show up in many ways, we all pick our own cocktail!

• Obsession with any special interest

• Caretaking others

• Addictions or dependencies

• Extreme independence

• Withdrawal, depression, or even suicide. I say this not lightly having just lost a nephew and brother to suicide in the past months. The ache of not fitting in or feeling misunderstood can be crippling.

But when we try to control the pain or rejection, the shadows creep up. Anger gets buried. Our true needs feel shameful or unacceptable and surface as secret coping mechanisms.

But what we push away or avoid re-emerges with a vengeance.

Back to the healing part. Healing does not come from being perfect, it comes from letting yourself be seen. Especially by people who get your sensitivity and weird brilliance. These people are your North Star. People who will nurture your spirit and let you be your full self.

Don’t betray yourself for the fear of being alone. You are not wrong for wanting contact, reassurance, or just to feel chosen. If it’s always one-sided, you’ll feel more alone with that person than you do on your own. Crumbs won’t fill you. The wisdom is to know when to keep tending the garden or when to stop watering the rocks. Choose carefully, choose love, not hope on life-support.

Have the courage to ask for what you want. A simple share like: I need more closeness and communication than you’ve been able to offer, can you meet me? Let the subsequent actions, not their words be the answer. You can’t lose a right relationship by being honest, and you can’t keep a wrong one by holding your breath.

Catch yourself when you are creating or looping the narrative. Is it true? When someone you care about goes quiet or pulls away, the mind (your meaning-making machine) rushes to fill the silence with stories, worst-case scenarios and self-deprecation. A coping mechanism to try to protect yourself, but actually it mostly just hurts. You can’t stop your brain from making up a story, but you can challenge it. Is it really true? Do you really want to let it run the show?

Here’s the soul lesson: Someone’s withdrawal isn’t proof that you are unloveable.

From there…

Notice the narrative, when the brain is making up stories.

Regulate then reflect. Move your body, go in nature, drop into your senses. Then talk to your nervous system. “Hey, we’re safe, not in exile.”

Practice self-compassion.

Create new meanings - Like- even when I feel rejected, I am still lovable.

Reach out, don’t freeze in the storm. Interrupt the fictitious loop with something actual, gentle, and grounding.

You’re not broken, you just have a tender heart asking for safety. And that’s a gift you can give yourself.

I see you. Your vulnerabilities are what make you lovable.